Such a pretty house... such a pretty garden...

I remember reading on a forum that someone actually thought "No Surprises" by Radiohead was a happy song. The poster said, "The song says 'Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden'! It just makes me feel warm and happy inside!" Despite the fact that the song also says "You look so tired and unhappy", I have a feeling this person was confusing the beauty with happiness.

The song itself is rife with irony (especially the pretty house and garden lyrics). But no doubt, the song is beautiful. It is a strange thing when there is beauty in depression. Maybe I'm confusing beauty with attraction. I am attracted to things which I can relate (Winston Churchill would be impressed with that sentence structure there). But I can relate to depression in music.

That could explain the attractiveness of a group like Radiohead or their predecessors like Joy Division.

Maybe this is the statement of a truly depressed man, but it feels like happy songs are just fake. That they are lyrically cheap. It seems like there is one way to be truly happy, while there are infinite ways to feel sad (this is especially evident in Christian music).

I would like to know the opinion of a truly optimistic person. Is your optimism chosen? Do you feel the outcomes of situations are different if you approach them with optimism?

If you want a way to tear yourself down, just do a couple things. Throw in something like Radiohead, Joy Division, Red House Painters or whatever. Then look up the lyrics and focus completely on the music.

I do this to ignore my real depressions. Is this helpful? Probably not. Will I continue to do this? Yes I will. (I bet Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David just cringed a bit). But I hate to look at the things that I have failed at in my life. I hate to see how much of a child I am. I am a virgin physically, but not emotionally.

It's terribly sad to think that I haven't even kissed a girl and I'm already 20 and a half years old.

I remember watching the Tyra Banks show (yeah, the black vampire lady from America's Next Top Model, yes, that show I also know about). There was this man who was probably 23 years old who brought this girl on the show. She was a close friend, but he was "in love" with her. anyways, I recall that he said he had never kissed a woman. The audience gasped. They gasped.

I feel like I really missed out on something here. I should have gotten this out of the way in high school.

But now I just lie in bed and mourn over a relationship that I pretend I almost had. It's painful to think about. And really, the best case scenario is sad also.

This girl reminds me of Penny Lane from Almost Famous. Kind of looks like her too (but then again pretty much any blonde with that general look will remind me of her). But she had been around with many of the rock stars. She was a mystery, and definitely someone out of reach to the average man.

I feel there are these girls (should I say women? That just sounds weird to me) that we can put on a pedestal, where they remain unattainable and perfect.

This is a formula for hurt for the idolizer. Mainly because they will continue to see this person out of reach and also every time this person is tarnished, every time they do something that turns them into a real person, is a jab at your heart. (I feel exactly like Robert Smith from the Cure for saying this, not because I'm being poetic, but because I can't think of a better word to use than "heart").

I don't really know how long this is getting to be, and I'm slightly debating whether or not I will share this blog with others. I can keep this a secret and then maybe it will remain a sort of pure diary. Let's just see what I do.

Damn, Unknown Pleasures is a fantastic album.

Ive been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,
Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?
These sensations barely interest me for another day,
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.